A Week Until Christmas

It's been said that the holiday season (which I can only assume means the time between preparation for Thanksgiving and January 1) can be a depressing one for a great deal of people, for many reasons. As it goes with nearly all my entries, I'm going to go stream-of-consciousness on a simple idea and then see where it takes us.

I find myself a little blue right now.  I don't know if it's work, the home life, or what, but I find myself a bit more detached than usual.  When one is live-and-let-live, this is bound to happen. I've experienced some letdowns over the last couple of years, as well as some disappointments after some long-term efforts.  While these disappointments are specific, the blue feeling is quite vague.  It's sort of like a general malaise.  I find myself, becoming over the years, more lethargic as well as more nihilistic. 

My faith and hopes can, to some degree, keep the nihilism at bay, but I've walked this walk before.  As anyone who has made it through their 20's knows, there are letdowns in life.  And I always thought that my 30's would be a wonderland that would take me from that inexperienced sentiment of youth to a dignified and wiser 40.  In many ways that has been the case.  Buying a house, finding a career, raising a child. But there are other things.  This goes for Jamie too.  Career advancement for both of us has seemingly hit a ceiling, in terms of actually getting anywhere with it.  Together, we've spent a collective three years chasing ghosts and bullshit, with nothing to show but a more nuanced resume and numerous attempts and numerous rejection emails.

Personally, I feel stuck. Jamie feels stuck.  What is the point if there's no silver lining?  On top of this, there's personal drama among our peers that we are incapable of solving.  It is becoming unsettling after so long, but not exactly unexpected.  Once a person reaches a certain age, it's inevitable that routine takes over and hopes and dreams take a spot in the backseat of whatever one happens to be driving. It's all the same and it all sucks.  The fairytales have relegated themselves to straight-to-DVD releases that are largely ignored, becoming $5 whiffs of a pretend happy ending stuck in a bin at Wal-Mart.  And while we pore over them, they end up back in the bin after a quick look, discarded because we need another gallon of 2% milk.

On the bright side, we will be doing our share of Christmas shopping tomorrow.  Somehow I got some gift cards thru earning awards at work and we'll be using those to spread some cheer around. That's one thing we've got going on.  It's going to be a very modest year.  But at least we can do this.  It is a chore, but at the same time it is a labor of love. 

It may be a sad time, but one in which we can share some joy.  And I want to get it right if it's possible.

Honestly, I am bored with life and kinda bummed about it.  There are a few perks, sure, but not a whole lot.  All I care about is having a somewhat happy family and taking it from there.  The people I care about deserve some happiness, and I'll pass along as much as I can.  I just hope the rest of it starts picking up soon.

Until whenever, the blahs are going to rule. Blah. 

A Goosin' 2: Rejection Boogaloo

So I finally got an email from the place I applied to far away. And of course they said "no." But I'm not mad about it.

It was a standard form-letter rejection sort of thing. Which obviously is ok. It's sorta like playing the lotto. And not winning, duh. Like that ever happens. But... I got a personal response.

I wrote back politely with a "someday I will be ready" sort of thing, which is true. But for now... I'm taking today's circumstances as they are.  If one is trying to take over the world, that one should be ready to move state-to-state.

Anyhow,  I'm thankful for what I have. For now, I'm around good people who want good things to happen. I can live with that...

Waiting For The Dryer To Finish Up

So I'm brainstorming about the whole becoming awesome at life thing... it's not easy. There are two ways to go about any certain thing. There's the proper way, which is usually more expensive, and there's the cross your fingers and hope it sticks way, which is cheaper but carries more risk. For some the proper way isn't an option. I've grown so accustomed to that, occasionally I forget that I can take the proper way. But, that doesn't build character.

I blew 43 bucks on a car radio at a wrecking yard today to find that out. No matter how much jury rigging I do on this damn thing, it seems like I can't get my radio right where it plays cd's.

Did the proper thing a few weeks ago and bit the bullet to get my brakes perfect but I cheaped out on a stereo today and there's no going back.  I don't mind radio stations or learning something about electronics but I failed nevertheless.

Anyway, enough about cars. That's boring. I'm having a great day today otherwise.  I got to strategize with my mom about vacation ideas, went to a dealership to nail down facts, helped a friend using this phone, and got some really great hookups at wrecking yards for non-radio stuff. And helped one Jamie with a party she was invited to.

And I had a few quiet moments this morning to assess my feelings on a lot of stuff. Busy people don't get to do that much.  I've had this inferiority/depression thing going on for a while and it keeps me from being bold or even thoughtful.

I've been hinted at that maybe facing my fears is the answer to all that. Maybe it is. I don't want to show my ass or anything, but I don't mind giving the whole being open and careless thing a try. I've waited for this new car for a long time. Waited for the verdict in my career for a long time. It's awful just sitting around waiting and taking it when I've got this fire burning inside!

I don't want the fire to go out and the ashes shoveled into a bucket with one of those little flat shovels that comes with the fireplace set.

I want to come alive and try this whole American Dream thing out....

But how? That is another thing.

You Could Shine

I'm feeling the writing bug again tonight.  Before I get started, I would like to request that if you like any of this stuff, you know, you can subscribe.  Just sayin'.

Anyhoo.  As I'm slingin' words tonight, the first thing I'd like to say is Go Cowboys!  I've been a fan since '89... having to listen to games on the radio since they were so awful that year.  Watching them grow and win Super Bowls over the next few years was just something any kid or teenager at the time did in Texas.  If you're not a fan, hey I get it. That's just where I come from.

But that's just an aside.  As a freewrite fan, and someone who enjoys randomness, stream of consciousness blogging is just what I do.  What you are reading is simply transmissions directly from brain to keyboard, and I hope it is good.  There are no topics on my mind right now, it's all just a free flowing sort of thing.

Earlier, I saw an amusing country music video of some guy singing about Hillary Clinton.  It was incredibly shallow and stupid.  Had that song come on during my drive home in really slow traffic, I would have desperately hunted for Christmas music sung by atheists, or perhaps rap music made by apprehensive Mormons.

Just now, I got to thinking about Larry King.  He has a Twitter page, @kingsthings, where he does exactly what I'm doing now, but in 140 character increments.  He's got some really amazing and random pithy thoughts, and I think he uses the format quite well.  Twitter's a weird place.  You start out with The Onion, or maybe Mind Blowing Facts, or '60's Spider Man, and then they retweet a bunch of unrelated stuff, that leads to other related stuff, and you end up with a bizarre Twitter feed.  Such is technology.  It moves fast, you move fast.

On a more serious note, I feel like I'm holding back in ways. I should be pedal to the metal in life but I feel all this hesitation.  Buying a new car was pretty motivating I must admit... but it seems like I'm still stuck in limbo in other areas.  It's like I can't get out of the corner or ahead.  I suppose this is natural, especially being at the age it's important to preserve the things that keep the wheel spinning, but I feel like it's time to stand up and find some kind of way to start kicking ass.

I don't know exactly how to do that, and hopefully I'm not repeating older blog entries here, but I've got to do something ballsy before I'm too complacent to get it right.  I've already outlived some really cool people, and I've been passed up and have slipped on the banana in the MarioKart of life more than once.  What do I gotta do to stand up like a statue and get all Terminator 2 on some shit?

Anyway, philosophical questions for a philosophical life.  I feel weak. Too cautious.  Too apprehensive at every crossroads.  Afraid of being ballsy in a stupid way.  When you're 37, you have to get it right more often than not.  And in some ways I've done pretty well... the big picture as I see it could be better though.

Much is out of my control.  As it goes with anyone.  I guess what I'm leaving you with is the hope I carry around in those few tiny excellent moments... there's a shot at something that doesn't suck the life out of you.  Just be crazy enough, or slick enough, or lucky enough, or yourself enough to find that one talent or quirk you have inside to flip it all upside down.  You could shine.  So could I.  Where's the dang flashlight?

What To Say, What To Say

Now that things have settled a bit, I'm feeling like another freewrite.  I have no idea the direction this could go, which is half the fun.  Currently I'm coming off a fairly slow day at work.  The next couple weeks are going to be very interesting, according to the tea leaves, so I'm getting ready for that.

Randomly, and for no good reason other than a Facebook recipe I noticed a couple weeks ago which slapped me like a train, I've decided to come up with a cookbook, featuring recipes from several people I know.  It's a random hodgepodge so far, which is really nice.  The recipes come from a variety of folks.  People who are good at maybe one or two things in the kitchen like me, all the way up to seasoned chefs like my old friend Nathan.  There will be innovative recipes that break the mold, simple yet awesome throwdowns for say, a Wednesday night no one feels like cooking, and secret concoctions that can be experimented with in different regions.  Not sure how to pigeonhole it yet or theme it, but maybe it won't need that.  We'll see what happens in the coming months.

On a completely different note, I've decided that the news is stupid.  If it's not weather or traffic, it's ridiculous propaganda that serves no purpose except to make people argue.  Duh, shoulda seen this years ago.

And, while I'm switching subjects so quickly, I'd like to note that I came in here in my little "office" computer room the other day and discovered Prince's new album just sitting here among all the other riffraff and whatnots and stuff.  I plan on jamming to that tomorrow.  Jamie said she bought it after he played on Saturday Night Live a few weeks ago (which I must admit was a pretty dang good show, he has always been an over the top amazing musician.) So I am totally looking forward to getting my jam on during a busy period tomorrow.

Speaking of music - we have two new radio stations in D/FW.  Since my CD player pooped out in the new ride, I've had to stick with the radio.  Which is OK.  So we have two new Old School Hip Hop stations.  Hot 93.3*** which used to be top 40 pop, and Boom 94.5 which used to be old school R&B.  An improvement on both I suppose.  Where else can you find Biz Markie at 7:30 am, or roll your eyes at Big Pimpin' at 8:15? It's pretty nice.  I rolled up to the parking lot at work last Friday jammin' Baby Got Back.  It was awesome.

You know what's not awesome?  Getting stomach pain at 12:45 am on a freakin' Monday, and not being able to get to sleep.  That happened to me yesterday, and I had to stay home from work.  It was exhaustion, bitters and ginger ale, and picking at Netflix till I had to get to sleep.

But the sleep was nice.  Got healed up and recharged.  It's almost time to recharge again.

With that, I'm gonna go plug myself into the nearest USB sleep module AKA bed. Goodnight!


*** Correction - Hot 93.3 changed format to current hip-hop at 6 pm on the night I wrote this.  Found out the next morning, and I adjusted my presets to take this one off and replace it with 98.7 KLUV, which is currently playing Christmas music.

A Goosin'

Disclaimer: There are some names and locations I'm going to modify or omit.  If you'd like to fill them in for the purposes of imagination, please feel free to put that shoe on and lace it up!


Ever feel like you're in a place in life where you just can't move?  Like you're trapped? Or at least, stuck in a routine?  My routine lately has consisted of the everyday stuff, even down to what to get for breakfast and when (a breakfast quesadilla at 8:40 am), when to expect every call, an allotted time to worry about what could be an impending layoff (which didn't even happen.) And, of course, other things to expect right on schedule, such as bills, parking spots, moving desks at work, family events, everything!

So, just a few short weeks ago, a family member who lives nearby asked Jamie this: "If we move several hundred miles away, would you follow us to be close by?"  (This is where that names and locations thing comes in by the way.) Another family member of ours once remarked to me months, maybe over a year ago, that if we packed up and moved, that we would be followed to that location. 

So, it got into my mind that if we moved to this wherever place where the jobs were or whatnot, we'd have company no matter where it was.  But for someone to ask us if we'd do the same, I didn't answer.  It was a secret "I hope so." Then it became "I've thought about this before kinda." Then, I quit putting quotation marks around my thoughts and actually thought deeply about this.

Two days later, I'd done enough scoping around online to get a feel of the area, possible places to move, the logistics of making such a move and what the costs would be.  Just to get away from the routine areas of life. 

I happened upon a job opportunity in this area.  Now, what I do for a living has talents that are generally concentrated in D/FW, California, Illinois, Pennsylvania, and Florida, among a few other metro areas.  But I found one there and applied for it, just for kicks and giggles.  Jamie's career specialty is also concentrated in certain cities as well, and the place we were looking at isn't known for that.  So that was another exercise in imagination research.

That job application got me thinking deeply. 

I thought of all the changes it would require, the possibility of Jamie and I living in two different places temporarily, the expenses.  I decided after relative boredom in the nuts and bolts of life, it was time to get sharp.  Just thinking about all this, the possibility, the peril, the opportunity, it gave me a goosin' deep down. 

So I went to bed the night I applied... fell asleep fairly quickly, but I was up at 2:30 after a fitful sleep.  It all just showed up at once.  I was like, "What if you don't get a call back from this company and all this deep thought about relocating was for nothing?"  Didn't get much sleep that night. 

Something had stirred up inside that I could no longer ignore. I don't know if it's because I've been "climbing the ladder" in life in order to stay afloat for so many years, or if I've just been stuck in a mindset overall for a long time.  We all get older, and we all get stuck in some routine and lose sight of something good that may come around that would be good.  As I get older I've realized that the more you get used to life, the less you have a chance to grow.

Life finally goosed me.  I have been driving a P.O.S. truck for over three years.  Don't get me wrong, it's been good to me, but it's been an all consuming A to B disaster since 2011. Since I've been thinking about this relocation challenge and what it could mean, the upcoming challenge of the old truck came up front and center.  How could I move far away and stat putting down roots for us in a new place with something unreliable?  It didn't make sense.

The next step was realizing it was time to get a new way to go.  Jamie heard about this dealership about 35 miles away that had a lot of used cars, so I decided to check it out.  After looking thru used cars together for hours we showed up.

Through a whirlwind of searching, trading, compromise, discussion, life stories, a rainy day test drive, getting the hell out of town, air conditioning, heaters, and deliberation even on the way, we found a vehicle.

It was surreal. But it's becoming real now.  The old truck is gone, and now I am driving something new, you've probably seen it.  It was needed.  We just bought it Saturday, and I had to get new brakes on it.  The dealership detailed it and all, but I still had to get a bit done on it.  But it got done right. 

There's a lot of happiness here about it.  It's a miracle.  But it is also a part of life.  Life's hard. It is a challenge.  I had to work in Houston away from home for a month at a time.  Had to fight fraud over the phone in freezing weather outside.  Had to take a few for the team, bullshit scenarios where I had to sneak out.

We get put in the corner for a reason, not for our benefit or demise, but to wake us up. I'm awake, and I'm in the outfield, and punching the glove.

Observations About Life

Coming in at a different approach tonight.  Lately I've been under the weather.  Not the actual weather, just feeling sick.  Jamie caught a cold last week from a little girl at Girl Scouts who had no business going to Girl Scouts that night.  And I caught it too over the weekend.  Such is life.  If you have sick kids, don't show up to events with a lot of healthy kids. Not cool.

I was off work yesterday, and had a chance to rest and recover.  Ended up taking a four-hour nap and going to bed early and sleeping even more.  That's just how it goes when it's you vs. the world. I've been on so many vacations where it's been sleep in a wonderful sanctuary of a place.  As in my Grandma's place.  It's always easier to drive 400 miles and hang out with Grandma in Mountain View and oversleep and let the cares melt away. Staying here still has its hangups I guess. But I'll tell ya, being sick and off the grid got me taking naps and sleeping like a champion when it came time.

This morning I woke up rested and ready.  But it was an Arctic Paradise this morning!  I got Grace's outfit together and she picked a long sleeve shirt instead and bundled up majorly. We got in the truck to go to school (which I'd warmed up already.) When we got in the truck, Led Zeppelin's Immigrant Song was playing on the radio, and it was so appropriate for the weather!  She thought it was a Harry Potter song! That of course cracked me up and I got to tell her what Immigrant Song was really about since it matched the cold weather.

Which leads me to deeper observations about life.  First and foremost, it got cold and we all gotta warm up! In the now but also with thought.  I've been battling the negativity within and the circumstances.  Things can go bad in a second in life, but it doesn't have to be that way.  Sometimes you gottta say, turn off that MF, and make a quick spin back to the blessings. 

An old friend of mine, who is younger than me, is going in next month to get a pacemaker.  Whaaaaaat!! She works out and takes care of herself and has to have this done, that freaks me out.  It brings out the prayer side of me and the supportive side.  She is younger than me.  That was a knockdown from reality and mortality saying what can you do to help and bring the best of life to others. 

After losing younger loved ones and outliving healthy but physically weak loved ones, the landscape can be pretty bleak. I'm a big believer in prayer and friendship, and at a certain point, not explaining concerns and just acting to make things more bearable isn't enough. It's time to be an ass kicker, to make the actions match the feelings.  We all want to live, but if we don't, we have to prepare for heaven.

This life is a fleeting experience and nothing in it is permanent. We have to balance, on one hand the joy of acceptance and an appreciation of our talents, on the other, the miserable shit that made us that smart in the first place. 

I've always heard that while we are growing up, our parents are growing old.  It's true.  But as we grow older the hands on the clock of time consistently move, as they always have.  We have to know our spot and live accordingly, because the calendar and the clock are much more consistent than any one person.

Life is simply a brief moment on forever's timeline.  What will any of us do with it?