Thursday, December 18, 2014

A Week Until Christmas

It's been said that the holiday season (which I can only assume means the time between preparation for Thanksgiving and January 1) can be a depressing one for a great deal of people, for many reasons. As it goes with nearly all my entries, I'm going to go stream-of-consciousness on a simple idea and then see where it takes us.

I find myself a little blue right now.  I don't know if it's work, the home life, or what, but I find myself a bit more detached than usual.  When one is live-and-let-live, this is bound to happen. I've experienced some letdowns over the last couple of years, as well as some disappointments after some long-term efforts.  While these disappointments are specific, the blue feeling is quite vague.  It's sort of like a general malaise.  I find myself, becoming over the years, more lethargic as well as more nihilistic. 

My faith and hopes can, to some degree, keep the nihilism at bay, but I've walked this walk before.  As anyone who has made it through their 20's knows, there are letdowns in life.  And I always thought that my 30's would be a wonderland that would take me from that inexperienced sentiment of youth to a dignified and wiser 40.  In many ways that has been the case.  Buying a house, finding a career, raising a child. But there are other things.  This goes for Jamie too.  Career advancement for both of us has seemingly hit a ceiling, in terms of actually getting anywhere with it.  Together, we've spent a collective three years chasing ghosts and bullshit, with nothing to show but a more nuanced resume and numerous attempts and numerous rejection emails.

Personally, I feel stuck. Jamie feels stuck.  What is the point if there's no silver lining?  On top of this, there's personal drama among our peers that we are incapable of solving.  It is becoming unsettling after so long, but not exactly unexpected.  Once a person reaches a certain age, it's inevitable that routine takes over and hopes and dreams take a spot in the backseat of whatever one happens to be driving. It's all the same and it all sucks.  The fairytales have relegated themselves to straight-to-DVD releases that are largely ignored, becoming $5 whiffs of a pretend happy ending stuck in a bin at Wal-Mart.  And while we pore over them, they end up back in the bin after a quick look, discarded because we need another gallon of 2% milk.

On the bright side, we will be doing our share of Christmas shopping tomorrow.  Somehow I got some gift cards thru earning awards at work and we'll be using those to spread some cheer around. That's one thing we've got going on.  It's going to be a very modest year.  But at least we can do this.  It is a chore, but at the same time it is a labor of love. 

It may be a sad time, but one in which we can share some joy.  And I want to get it right if it's possible.

Honestly, I am bored with life and kinda bummed about it.  There are a few perks, sure, but not a whole lot.  All I care about is having a somewhat happy family and taking it from there.  The people I care about deserve some happiness, and I'll pass along as much as I can.  I just hope the rest of it starts picking up soon.

Until whenever, the blahs are going to rule. Blah. 

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